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“Ask a Priest: What If I Don’t Want My Kids Raised as Catholics?”

July 16, 2024 / Ask a Priest, Family, Marriage

Q: I am a Protestant, and my boyfriend is a Catholic. We want to get married. Is such a union possible? Can we be married first by a Protestant minister and then by a Catholic priest in his church? And if I do not give consent to raising children in Catholicism, will we be married? I want children to choose their own path to God. – M.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The Catholic Church does allow Catholics to marry non-Catholics, but it requires the expressed permission of the bishop. A bishop could also give permission for a wedding in a non-Catholic setting, but that would require a serious reason.

One of the requirements for the Catholic partner in this case is to promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith. The non-Catholic must be made aware of the partner’s responsibility.

This is something you might want to talk over with your boyfriend. You and he would also need to be open and honest if you object to the children being raised Catholic.

You mention that you want children “to choose their own path to God.”

It is good to remember that children are like blank slates. They need guidance in religion just as they need guidance in everything else in life, from food to clothing to good manners to education.

If they aren’t raised in any faith, they won’t be well-equipped to make a good decision regarding Our Lord.

Not teaching them about Jesus is like not teaching them to read and write. If you wait for them to decide on their own, it might be too late.

All Christians are called to bring the Gospel message to others, beginning with their children. Indeed, to not teach children about Jesus deprives them of the most important thing in life.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church in No. 2685 states:

“The Christian family is the first place of education in prayer. Based on the sacrament of marriage, the family is the ‘domestic church’ where God’s children learn to pray ‘as the Church’ and to persevere in prayer. For young children in particular, daily family prayer is the first witness of the Church’s living memory as awakened patiently by the Holy Spirit.”

It might be good to speak directly with a Catholic pastor. A dialogue could help dispel some of your concerns.

You might want to take this to prayer. And again, be open with your boyfriend and with anyone who might prepare you for marriage.

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“Ask a Priest: What If I and My Kids Prefer a Non-Denominational Service?”

July 21, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Family, Other Faiths

Q: I was raised Catholic and have been married 13 years to a non-religious man. I have my own struggles with wanting to stay in the Catholic Church or to venture out. I recently went to a non-denominational service and enjoyed it more than I have Catholic Masses. The pastor’s sermon was enjoyable and gave me pause to think how it relates to my own life. Catholic guilt is real. I’m torn between providing a Catholic foundation for my three children (my 9-year-old has received confirmation and Communion) while my younger two have only been baptized. This would mean continuing with a Church where my heart is not in it — or do I pivot and let the younger two not complete sacraments? They can choose to complete them when they are older if they choose. All three of them enjoyed the non-denominational service as well, more so than the Catholic Mass, as there is a kids ministry they were able to participate in. – L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: As enjoyable as this non-denominational service might be, it in no way compares with the Mass, which is where the sacrifice of Christ on Calvary is re-presented. It’s Jesus, working through the priest, who represents himself back to the Father.

In other words, at the heart of the Mass, the highest form of prayer in the Church, is something that Christ does, not what we do.

Even when the homilies at Mass aren’t very inspiring, God is still as work through the priest and the readings and, above all, the consecration of the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ.

It’s good to remember that the Catholic Church has the fullness of what Jesus revealed and what he wanted to give the world. This includes the seven sacraments, the liturgies, and the magisterium (the teaching authority of the Church).

What is crucial here is that we shouldn’t base our faith on our feelings and likes. As a Catholic parent you have a serious obligation to pass on the faith to your children.

And you want to give them the best now. Holding back the other sacraments from the two younger children until they are “old enough” to decide for themselves would be like keeping them illiterate – “They can decide when they are 18 whether they want to learn to read.” That is a recipe for disaster.

Your children need the help of the sacraments as soon as possible. The devil and the world are out drag them down, so they need all the help Our Lord wants to extend, now.

You don’t mention specifically why you are thinking of venturing out of the Church. You mention “Catholic guilt” but don’t elaborate.

Perhaps it might be good to ask yourself what you have been doing to learn more about the faith, and whether you have a deep prayer life.

A lack of a solid prayer life and sacramental life can lead to a weakening of our faith. The devil looks for cracks in the wall and then starts to sow seeds of doubt in us.

It might be good to take some of this prayer, and to speak with your pastor or confessor directly.

The decisions you make can have an enormous impact on your children and their eternal destiny.

In the meantime, it might be good to read a few books that will help you understand your faith better.

A few suggestions would be Surprised by Truth, by Patrick Madrid; and Why We’re Catholic and The Case for Catholicism, both by Trent Horn. Helpful, too, could be the Youth Catechism, or YouCat.

You might also want to start tuning in to Catholic radio if it’s available in your area. This includes Relevant Radio and Catholic Answers Live.

Also, you might want to seek out solid Catholic programs that you can take your children to.

And cultivate a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will intercede for you.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Evangelize My Family?”

June 30, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Family, General

Q: How can I evangelize my husband and three adult children who have fallen away or are lukewarm Catholics? I have been attending daily Mass for last two years and once a week adoration for this intention. I asked God that my youngest son might be a priest, but now he is looking into the Restored Church of God. I get very upset and almost angry about this and argue with them. All my efforts seem to be failing. What can I do? – T.F.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the family situation. Unfortunately, the drifting away of loved ones from the faith is all-too-common nowadays.

A few ideas might be worth keeping in mind.

First, God loves your husband and children even more than you do. Our Lord is on your side and at your side: He shares your desire for your family’s salvation.

Second, the grace of conversion comes from the Holy Spirit, not from us. Trying to argue people into line won’t work and will likely backfire. So be charitable at every step.

Third, keep your focus on Jesus. Your daily Masses and Eucharistic adoration and prayers are crucial to helping you to draw closer to him and to intercede for your family. The holier you are, the more weight your prayers will have.

As for engaging on religious issues: You might try a multifaceted approach.

For openers, try to have a steady diet of apologetics books. The more you study the faith, the better you might be able to articulate it to skeptics.

There are lots of accessible authors out there; for instance, Jimmy Akin, Patrick Madrid, Peter Kreeft, Frank Sheed, Karl Keating and Trent Horn (you could find them on the Internet).

You could also leave these books around your home; they might catch the eye of curious family members.

For now, just look for opportunities to share how the faith has helped you. As you learn about specific difficulties that family members have with the faith, you could read up on the topic. This will prepare you the next time the topic comes up.

Also, you might want to have a Mass or two said for your family.

And don’t get discouraged. God has his own timing for bringing back the lost sheep.

Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What If a ‘Trans’ In-law Is Influencing My Kids?”

April 28, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Family, Moral and Social Issues

Q: I have concern for my children’s future faith lives. My wife and I are devoutly Catholic and intend to raise our children according to Church teachings. They are 3 years and 8 months old. My wife has a sibling who is transgender (male to female) who is engaged to another transgender person (female to male). I’ve always tried to dialogue with them respectfully, but I know they both desperately hate the Catholic faith. In spite of this, we’ve made it clear that we are raising our children Catholic, and they know not to attempt to lead our children away and say anything disrespectful about our Church. However, recently, my wife’s sibling asked my son if he was looking forward to Pride Month. He didn’t say anything and neither did we, and we just kind of left it alone, but it started to concern me. I’m not so afraid of that passing comment but I guess I worry more may come. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. If I leave it alone, am I allowing my in-laws to influence my children? But if I ask them not to mention anything about their beliefs or experiences, it would put a major rift between my wife and her family. I would really appreciate any advice you could provide. Thank you! – M.P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the situation with the brother-in-law. It’s a sign of the times.

As a dad, a top priority is to help your wife and children get to heaven. You seem to understand that responsibility well.

Your children, being so young, shouldn’t be exposed to the topic of sexuality at all — homosexual, straight or “trans.”

If the brother-in-law refuses to forgo the topic with the little ones, you would be within your rights to ban him from your home, at least until the time when the children are old enough to understand the issues involved.

You mention that even asking him not to talk about his beliefs and experiences to your children would risk a rift between your wife and her family.

It’s not up to your in-laws to decide what your kids should be exposed to. They have no right to expect you and your wife to tolerate things in your own home that you deem deleterious to your children.

The Second Vatican Council declaration on Christian education, Gravissimum Educationis, backs you up on this, making clear that parents are the ones most responsible for the upbringing of their children:

“Since parents have given children their life, they are bound by the most serious obligation to educate their offspring and therefore must be recognized as the primary and principal educators. […] Parents are the ones who must create a family atmosphere animated by love and respect for God and man, in which the well-rounded personal and social education of children is fostered” (No. 3).

It might be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your wife. It’s crucial that you are both on the same page and present a unified front for her family.

Should the day arrive when your children ask why their uncle calls himself an aunt, you could explain charitably that Uncle X. is confused and needs the family’s prayers.

In the meantime, it might be good to intensify your prayers for the other in-laws, too.

As for the trans couple, who “desperately hate” the Catholic faith, they need a special grace of the Holy Spirit to see the love that God is actually trying to show them through his Church.

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The Wisdom of Children: Weekly Message for 10-18-2022

October 18, 2022 / Weekly Message

Dear Friends,

If you have driven the stretch of I-80 between Omaha and Lincoln, you may have noticed what appears to be a tall glass house on a hill. This is the Holy Family Shrine, a truly majestic chapel, overlooking the highway and beckoning travelers to contemplate the Divine. Inside, the Holy Family is etched in the glass wall behind the altar. As you sit in prayer, the rolling hills and fields of wildflowers provide a beautiful landscape.

I recently attended a holy hour in the shrine at sunset. The sky burst with gorgeous blues and pinks and purples over the land, but it was the children’s beauty that moved my heart. As the shrine overflowed with people, many stood outside to gaze at Jesus through the windows. With the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the alter, small children approached the altar in adoration, and a dozen more who could not enter due to the numbers, lined the outside perimeter on their knees. A small boy of about four knelt at the steps with his hands folded and his eyes fixed on Jesus. He knelt there, on the stone floor, for 20 minutes and barely moved.

I thought of the Gospel verse in Matthew, “Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Mt. 19:14). I do not know the prayers on the little boy’s heart, but I am certain our Lord heard them. I felt deep in my spirit how very pleased Jesus was by his innocent and trusting heart and by the little faces peering in from the windows outside. The mystery of the true presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist is not a stumbling block for children. They see Him through the eyes of their pure hearts. It is us adults, weighed down by our sin and the sins of others, that are made blind to the love of Jesus radiating from the monstrance.

Pope John Paul ll, whose feast day we celebrate this week, penned a letter to children in 1994. He wrote that many children in the Church’s history saw the Eucharist as “a source of spiritual strength, sometimes even heroic strength!” He recalls “Saint Agnes, who lived in Rome; Saint Agatha, who was martyred in Sicily; Saint Tarcisius, a boy who is rightly called the ‘martyr of the Eucharist’ because he preferred to die rather than give up Jesus, whom he was carrying under the appearance of bread.”

Children are small. Their faith is powerful. Pope John Paul ll knew this, and toward the end of his letter the Holy Father exhorts the children to praise the name of the Lord. “O children of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord! Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and for evermore! From the rising of the sun to its setting may the name of the Lord be praised!” (Ps 112/113:1-3).

As you go forward this week, may our Lord reveal His closeness to you, and may you respond in childlike faith with praise and gratitude for all He has given you.

Yours in the Heart of Jesus,

Donna

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Don’t Want My Kids to See ‘Lightyear’?”

July 12, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Family, Social Media, TV, Movies

Q: We are a Catholic family with four children and are trying to do our best to not succumb to secular ideals. We have rather liberal “Catholic” family members who cannot understand why we do our best to do things for the glory of God, especially when the topic is about LGBTQ. So soon, we are staying at my brother’s house in Texas for a vacation. The new Toy Story movie, Lightyear, was brought up, and they invited us to see it when we come to visit. The United Arab Emirates recently banned this movie entirely for the same-sex kissing scene. Disney apparently took out the episode but then reinstated it later. I would like to be able to explain to my extended family why we have to opt out on watching the movie. I need advice on the right words to say, preferably quoting the Bible or the Catechism. Thank you in advance. – M.R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is admirable that you are trying to raise your children to have a Christian outlook on life.

I’m not sure, however, that quoting the Bible or the Catechism to your relatives will help in this instance.

Perhaps it is better to just say gently but firmly that you don’t feel comfortable allowing your children to watch the movie.

If the relatives press you, you could mention the scene above and say that it would send the wrong signal to your children.

If the relatives press you further, you can simply mention that God has a plan for sexuality, and you are trying to live it and teach it to your children.

Try to remain charitable and calm as you explain these things.

If the relatives push back, well, then you might just need to reconsider how comfortable you are vacationing with these relatives.

In the meantime, it might be good to intensify your prayers for these relatives. Ask the Holy Spirit to open their hearts.

In any case, witnessing your faith can be a great act of charity for the relatives.

For your own background, this is what the Catechism says:

Chastity and homosexuality

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that “homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.” They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them it is a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

I hope some of this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: What If I’m Scared That the End Is Coming?”

January 25, 2022 / Ask a Priest, General, Prayer and Spiritual Growth

Q: With all that is going on in the world today, I hear more from those around me that the Book of Revelation is open and the end times are here. I know that we need to be ready at all times for the arrival of Christ, but this also is very depressing. I feel like I haven’t reached the level I need to be saved and now there isn’t enough time. I’m even having a hard time making decisions for the future because it would appear that it doesn’t matter. Should I be preparing by not sending my children to college and sort of retreating from society to a safe haven? I am an avid Mass attender and a father of six children and still I am scared of the end. Is it a sin to be scared of Christ’s arrival? It is getting harder and harder to answer these questions from my children and I don’t know where to turn. – M.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though you need a dose of hope.

Perhaps the pandemic has taken its toll and worn you down. The world isn’t a paradise, but we Christians should be people of hope and trust in God’s providence.

No one knows when the end is coming, and there is no obvious reason to think it will arrive soon.

The COVID pandemic shouldn’t be read as an end-times indicator. Difficult as it has been, it pales in comparison with the Black Death of the 14th century, when a third to half of the population of Europe perished.

Big calamities can trigger talk of the end times. Such talk shouldn’t paralyze you. It will only cause needless anxiety and distract you from the good that you can do each day.

So, that would be the first piece of advice: Let God worry about the end times, and turn your attention to the things that will give him glory and help others, including prayer and a rich sacramental life and acts of charity.

As Christians we are called to evangelize those around us. It’s prudent to keep a healthy distance from the world, but to try to withdraw totally from it is unrealistic and counterproductive.

Part of our mission as Christians is to bring the Gospel message to the public square. If we don’t do that, others will fill the vacuum, possibly with unsavory substitutes.

So, the better strategy is to prepare your children to push back in the world. Prepare them for a battle, not a bunker.

A separate issue is whether they should go to college and, if so, which college. Given the expense and the academic and moral decay on many campuses, one might want to consider options. Learning a trade such as plumbing or electrical work might make more sense for young people looking for a way to support a family.

You mention that you are an avid Mass attender, which makes it puzzling that you are so scared of the end. And having six children, while no small responsibility, should ideally give you evidence of hope, for they will be the ones helping to shape the future.

A life of prayer and the sacraments should help give us the confidence to meet Our Lord.

Could it be that you are exposing yourself to too much bad news and doom-and-gloom YouTube videos? If so, it might be good to leave them on the side and focus more on prayer. A helpful read could be Benedict XVI’s encyclical on hope, Spe Salvi.

It might be good to speak with someone in case you think depression might be a problem. A bit of counseling might be helpful. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What If My Girlfriend Wouldn’t Want Our Kids Raised Catholic?”

December 10, 2021 / Ask a Priest, Dating and Marriage, Family

Q: My girlfriend of five months is the sweetest girl and truly has a deep love for Jesus. Despite marriage being far away, I wanted to talk to her about some of the aspects of a Catholic marriage. She’s open to marrying in a Catholic church. However, she doesn’t see herself being Catholic and isn’t sure if she wants our kids to be Catholic. As the Catholic in the relationship, I understand it is my duty to do everything I can to have our kids baptized in the faith and raise them as Catholics. I know God has a plan, but I’ve never loved anyone like I do her, and I believe she is definitely someone I would want to marry. Questions: What if she is unwilling to be open to having our kids baptized and raised Catholic? Do I need to end the relationship? What does it mean that I have to do my best to have them raised in the faith and baptized Catholic? Thanks, Father! – L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that are facing these questions now. As you seem to realize, you have to make a commitment to raise the children in the Catholic faith. Your friend would need to be informed of your duty.

This is spelled out in canon law in the section on mixed marriages.

Canon 1125 says, “(1) the Catholic party declares that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of falling away from the faith and makes a sincere promise to do all in his or her power to have all the children baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;

“(2) the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time of these promises which the Catholic party has to make, so that it is clear that the other party is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party.”

Now, if you have a duty before God, and your friend has no plans to help you fulfill that duty, what might that say about the prospects for a happy marriage?

Here, it seems to come down to a question of who comes first in your life: God or your friend?

In any case, it’s possible the Church might not approve the wedding if your friend is adamant in her opposition to raising the children Catholic.

As for the second question: It might be a moot issue based on how you answer the question above. If you don’t have your friend’s support, you would have to be prepared to override her decision at every step, from having the children baptized to having them catechized. Is that the kind of marriage you would want?

You are only five months into the relationship. Your friend’s sweetness might have its appeal now, but it would be good for the “glow” of the relationship to dim, so that you can look at it more realistically and spiritually.

The Church in general does not recommend mixed marriages. Religious differences can cause lots of tension as the years go on. It is worth reading the Catechism on this issue.

None of this is rules out the possibility of your friend converting or at least having a change of heart about how to the raise the children. But that is hypothetical and not something you can count on happening.

Our Retreat Guide “Three Hearts” could help you to prayerfully reflect on the reality of marriage from God’s perspective.

You might want to take some of this to prayer. And remember: someday you would have to answer before God for how you raised your children in the faith. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Raise Kids Amid All the Pro-Gay Propaganda?”

October 26, 2021 / Ask a Priest, Moral and Social Issues

Q: My 7-year-old daughter mentioned hearing about someone being gay on a TV show she was watching. I have noticed more homosexual themes, as well as occult themes, in the TV shows we watch on Disney. I have also noticed that transgenderism seems more prevalent now. How do I teach my kids about homosexuality and transgenderism? What is the Catholic teaching on these two subjects? I’m afraid of teaching them something they might go repeat at school, and then suffer negative consequences (like loss of friendships or being labeled as hateful). Today I was reading that most of the men and women in Hollywood, politics and sports are transgender. I’m not sure how true it is, but I’m convinced that is probably is. Looking at it from a spiritual warfare perspective, it makes sense that this is true because it is how we are all being conditioned subconsciously to accept transgenderism, homosexuality and other non-biblical principles so that we lose our souls. Now after reading this today, I just feel scared. I’m afraid of my children losing their souls, and of me not being strong enough to teach them truth. It seems kind of hopeless, really, to think about how much evil is around now. – Kelly

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: My heart goes out to you. You have one of the toughest tasks, trying to raise children in the Catholic faith in a society that is becoming a swamp.

Unfortunately, there are no magic bullet solutions. But there are strategies you might consider.

First, think about detoxing your home of bad media. This includes cable TV (or at least blocking all but the truly reputable stations).

Your concerns about Disney are well-founded. It has long promoted a pro-homosexual agenda. (For instance, see The Atlantic’s article “It’s Not Just Frozen: Most Disney Movies Are Pro-Gay.”)

The company’s products and parks seem like a Trojan horse for those of us old enough to remember the days when Disney and wholesome family entertainment were synonymous. It’s paradoxical that so many traditionally minded parents cheerfully expose their children to Disney products.

If you decide to allow Disney films or other similar movies into your home, you might want to be prepared to discuss with your daughter any anti-family or anti-Christian values embedded in the plots.

Second, and this is the wider strategy, it helps to explain to your daughter in simple terms that:

— God created human beings as male and female, and willed that a man and a woman should get married is they want to start and raise a family so that the whole family can be holy and happy. God taught us this through the Bible and the Church but also through nature.

— Gays disagree and think that two men or two women can marry and start a family exactly like a man and woman who get married. They can’t.

— Some people believe that being born a man or a woman doesn’t matter. What matters to them is what they feel. This simply goes against reality. We are how God made us, and that means he has a plan for us as a man or as a woman.

— Some men think they are women and want to be treated as women. But life teaches us that we are never always treated as we want to be treated, and sometimes it is actually wrong to treat us as we want to be treated.

— Some of these people will get very upset if you talk to them about it or try to tell them they are wrong. They can also get upset if they find out you don’t agree with them. If they try to argue with you, just tell them, “I am sorry, I do not agree with you and I will pray for you,” and tell them you do not want to talk about it anymore. If you ever get confused about these things, come home and talk to Mom or Dad about it.

You would need to gauge how well your children can hold their own at school. It’s one thing to defend one’s views on a given day. It’s another to face opposition day after day, month after month.

In an extreme case, you might want to think about alternative ways to educate them. This could include homeschooling.

It can seem like a daunting task, but many parents find it is doable. You can find lots of helpful resources online, such as the Seton Home Study School.

And it might help to network with families facing similar challenges. You might ask at the parish if such families are nearby.

You mention “that most of the men and women in Hollywood, politics and sports are transgender.” That sounds wildly exaggerated, which might be a sign that you are reading items from extremist websites.

Extremism isn’t healthy, no matter which side of the political spectrum it comes from. So, you might want to stick with reputable sources such as EWTN, the National Catholic Register, Our Sunday Visitor, The Pillar, and Crux.

An outline of Church teaching on homosexuality and pastoral approaches can be found online. Catholic Answers has a posting on transgenderism that might help.

Above all, live the faith fully in your home. Pray with your children. Let them see you praying and going to confession and doing acts of charity for the poor. Those lessons will sink in and give them a full view of what it means to be Catholic.

God knows the task you face raising children today. And he has just the grace to sustain you.

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Dear Friends,

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta