“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Attend a 3-Way ‘Commitment Ceremony’?”
Q: My daughter and a married husband and wife are living together in a three-way, polyamorous relationship. The three of them cannot have a wedding ceremony, so they are planning a commitment ceremony event as a sign of their partnership with each other. The ceremony was scheduled was postponed due to the pandemic. My husband and I could not have attended anyway, since he was recovering from transplant surgery. When she first told us about this “throuple” relationship, I told her that I thought it was morally wrong, and that the couple should not be doing this to their children. That caused a break so serious that she wouldn’t even visit or call her father during the cancer treatments. I never stopped reaching out, via cards, e-mails and texts. Now she does respond to texts once in a while, and she sent us their family holiday card. I am afraid if I don’t attend their event, the rift will be irreparable and permanent. But will attending be an acceptance of the sinful polyamorous relationship? Will I be condoning a sin, and thereby being guilty myself? Thank you in advance for your time. – A.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: I’m sorry to hear about the situation. As you say, this situation is morally problematic. It is another sign that the culture is going over the edge.
You would need to consider what your attendance at this ceremony would convey to them and to others.
People could easily presume that you are giving approval to the arrangement. This threesome would amount to a daily assault on the sanctity of marriage, even if the couple concurs. This would be doubly sad since children are caught in the situation.
We have a general obligation to avoid giving scandal. We also should avoid things that encourage others to sin.
While it is understandable that you love your daughter and you want to stay closer to her, it would be good to remember that sometimes a true act of love means witnessing your faith and refusing to cross a line.
Not approving of your daughter’s choice doesn’t mean that you no longer love your daughter. In fact, the two things go together in this case. You aren’t rejecting your daughter as a person, even though she might feel that.
And there is someone else worth remembering in all this: Our Lord.
He gave humans the gift of sexuality, and he also made clear how he wants that gift to be used. Our Lord has a right to have his commandments followed.
You might want to think about the consequences about attending. Will you later feel obliged to invite them into your home? Will other children or grandchildren be exposed to this irregular living arrangement?
Perhaps this is a moment to intensify your prayer for your daughter. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you so that you give glory to God.
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In response to these questions, Karla and Mary came up with the idea to design an online course that would specifically respond to this thirst for purpose in the hearts of the women they served. In January of this year, they offered a seven-week virtual course called Discover Your Personal Mission that they hoped would provide both spiritual content and the human and psychological tools the participants needed in order to reflect on, discern, and begin living their unique mission in the world.
Each one-hour session began with 40 minutes of content, developed with Karla’s training and experience as a certified life coach and Mary’s current studies in her master’s degree in psychology, as well as the religious formation that they both have received during their life as consecrated women. This was then followed by 20 minutes of small group discussion which, because of the large number of participants, Karla and Mary asked women that they knew to help facilitate. In addition, they trained about 30 participants to be spiritual mentors, matching them with women who had expressed a desire to be mentored. Involving these participants in facilitation and mentoring proved to be an important and edifying part of the program. “This was a beautiful way of including women, and an opportunity for these women to start already living out their mission,” says Karla. “For most of them, it was a life-giving experience that required a lot of humility, openness and receptivity.”
“I was having a terrible day – I had a meeting that was very discouraging because all my initiatives were being crushed and it felt like everything was falling apart. Then Mary and I received this beautiful letter from a woman who attended the course. She told us that she never imagined that she could experience so much joy in her life, that she was actually surprised that this joy that she had heard of actually exists! She ended the letter by saying, ‘Just know in your darkest times, you have indeed saved a soul.’ When I read that, I burst into tears, because it was like God’s presence and consolation telling me to keep moving forward for all these women, and that he was with me and sustaining me.”
Besides the positive response from the participants, and the development of a second virtual course, Karla and Mary have witnessed an abundance of fruits that have already come from the initial series. Many of the local women who attended the first Discover Your Personal Mission series have become involved with the monthly missions hosted by Mission Youth in the DC area and are putting their gifts and the tools they gained during the seven-week course to good use in service of the Church. And for Karla, one of the greatest blessings that has come from the initiative is the opportunity to collaborate in mission with her consecrated sisters. “I cannot do this by myself, so it just makes me happy to be a consecrated woman and to be a part of this community,” says Karla. “The way Mary and I complement each other so much, because of our different personalities and backgrounds, because of what she is studying and what I am studying, because of her experiences and mine, we have been able to put all those talents together at the service of the mission and the women. It’s just been a very beautiful consolation to my heart to see all these beautiful fruits.”
